Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
