2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
