I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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