im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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