she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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