the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
