Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
only you would photoshop your dick
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
