I was born with a shot glass in my hand
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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