i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
