who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
