I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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