The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
