I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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