I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
