I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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