The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize