even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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