I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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