i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.