It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!