My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found puke in my bra..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I made him laugh his dick is mine