1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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