Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
