dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
