Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
