you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
