I just pynch a tree in the face
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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