I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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