Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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