do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
