How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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