Jerry, you need to find god
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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