You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.