I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?