so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
