Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
