I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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