Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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