i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
