I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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