Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
