people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i believe in u and ur pee
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
