Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
