I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just googled if crying burns calories
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My penis needs a shock collar
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize