there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
