I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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