I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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