I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
