Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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