i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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