Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
