Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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