i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you traded sex for a burrito?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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