I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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