you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i will never coherently bang her
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
